There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
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I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
“what that mouth do?” complain
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.