Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?

Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

There are usually two types of merchants.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!