There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
You Might Also Like
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,