There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
You Might Also Like
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.