Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers