Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq