Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?