Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

Great game to play with friends

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

My mom texting me from an anime convention

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?