Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

A dead goose is called a ghoost

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants