There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
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Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”