Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME