Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.