Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

look scared

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

Boom, boom, ching!

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs