Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

security at the airport getting more straightforward

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

*bites zombie*

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.