There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
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soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.