There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
the icebreaker
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
