There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
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[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal