There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
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“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!