There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator