There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
You Might Also Like
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.