Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them