Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.