There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
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yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
it must be school picture day
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how