There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
You Might Also Like
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone