There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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🎵 I can’t wait to
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
pls suprot
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick