There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
drew a comic about my origin story
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone