There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”