There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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Shakespeare: Know thyself
Me: [changes into trashy t-shirt before eating spaghetti]
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
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Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
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[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
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My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
🙀🙀🙀😹
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The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.