There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.