There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.