There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
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If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer