there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!