there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
You Might Also Like
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
never compromise your values
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee