there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*