there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I have never related to anyone more.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.