there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls