there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys