Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers