There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Butt weight. There’s more!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.