Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression