Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it