Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How high do the levels go?

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

Are these grass-fed oranges?

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.