Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

I think about this cartoon a lot.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.