Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”