There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
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My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!