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Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born