Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.