There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.