There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
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It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
😆this is so true
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin