Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.