Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
#milo
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I stand by it
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
