Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Finally
With a text.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!