Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

pictures of spider-man

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands