Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school