There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
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First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.