There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
You can’t rush stupid.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
this is the kind of friend i am
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Good morning, Twitter 😊
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
🌱🌱🌱
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.