Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
me, after any kind of buffet.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
tinder is all about the long game
“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
Teacher: Any questions
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud