My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
(Gaming support cat.)
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss