@omgthatspunny

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

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@DickScurvy

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

@drewjanda

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

@Tylerosis

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

@NurseMurderer

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

@_youhadonejob1

“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
“Print it.”

@ThatRascalPuff

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud