There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.


Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!


Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither


When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?


Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.


“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
“Print it.”


Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*


“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud