ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
There’s a part of me that still loves you. I hit that part with a hammer. Stupid part.
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How many pictures of the sky until we are satisfied as a people
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they’d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.