I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.