@K8yH8y

There’s a part of me that still loves you. I hit that part with a hammer. Stupid part.

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@SeanBlazed

How many pictures of the sky until we are satisfied as a people

@WheelTod

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

@_Tempo11

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

@DrakeGatsby

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

@markedly

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

@FU_Dad

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

@Phook75

If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they’d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.