My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
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The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*