there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
oh my god
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Posting this on behalf of a friend
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
