there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Strangers have the best candy.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
