there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
This did not end as expected.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
