There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
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Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
They got Raph!
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …