There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.![]()
You Might Also Like
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
getting old is fun
![]()
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.