Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

When your man makes a valid point

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997