There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Friends that check up on you >
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
😬
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this