There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
but that was my emotional support daylight
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know