There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?