There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Spring cleaning checklist…
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*