There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
You Might Also Like
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
be safe out there!
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…