There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*