There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
This will never not be funny 😭
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
“what that mouth do?” complain
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?