There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
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I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
That time Alicia messaged me
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.