There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
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ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.