There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
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[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
This is so wrong 😂
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?