There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
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[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe