There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Grew big
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
