There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
In case you needed to hear it:
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
