There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
😅🤣😂
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
