There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Safety first
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.