There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones