There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
3% human
97% stress
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.