@NotOnTheMoors

There’s a section of my fridge/freezer devoted to ageing things I bought because the free sample in the supermarket was quite tasty.

You Might Also Like

@HomeWithPeanut

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

@whatmaddness

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

@GrantTanaka

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

@Chhapiness

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

@ShootyDoody

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

@alexisthenedd

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

@DaddyJew

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

@nachdermas

ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.

@murrman5

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw