The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
You Might Also Like
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes