2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?
Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
There’s a section of my fridge/freezer devoted to ageing things I bought because the free sample in the supermarket was quite tasty.
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My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw