There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
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My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Acronyms got me like WTF?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today